Stream of Consciousness

I am a creative writer.

I have to constantly write what I observe, spend time reflecting on my thoughts and then deliver a concise and powerful message that is poetic and poignant. Oftentimes on this site I spend more than enough time looking for something polished to present to the fans, but today is different.

An old creative writing teacher would force me to do stream of consciousness exercises in class in order “loosen the brain”. Lately, my brain is jammed with convoluted, uncertain, negative thoughts. And I need to jar it out. So I, like our boy Nicky P, will be writing more uncensored, unfiltered thoughts on this site as I make my blog more personal and reflective.

I feel like the world’s greatest devil’s advocate. Lately I’ve learned that one thing I excel in is appealing to those I am conversing with. I often find myself purporting arguments I don’t necessarily believe in. This makes me hate myself for being too argumentative. Verbosity is a vice of mine.

I know in the deepest parts of me that I have something to say. Whether or not this is a fully realized idea with me is another bag of trouble. I feel pulling from somewhere inknown and unvisible. The only place I go is where I feel I’m supposed to be. This freedom can be a blessing, but it is just as much a curse to an analytical fellow like myself. It is a fickle way to live; not having to attach to any one thing without one day having to use the excuse, “Well, that was then.” But what I am I to do? Should I ignore the forces that drive me to do what I am doing now? Should I resist them and see where it gets me? My instinct tells me, “NO!” My gut says, “Keep being that ‘prick’ that everyone is still magically drawn to.”

Is that enough for me? Can I possibly do better?

I am the first to say, “We can do better!” when thatwasthen gets offstage. That’s not to say that’s the first thing I say, but I’m the first to say it because I strive for improvement. As good as we are, there’s work to do. Thankfully, the musicians in my band are professional players who also serve valuable purposes outside of their instruments and their stage performances. They are graduate professionals, playing the instruments and the game, flawlessly.

So it’s okay for me to strive for betterment. Our band has an insane amount of room to grow and yet has grown so much in the year we’ve played together.

I am proud, yet disappointed in myself. What the FUCK?! How confused can you be? You’ve felt this before, no? So much you’ve done and built. So much to love and appreciate and you’re still disappointed with yourself.

Are the currents carrying me out to sea? Or has it just been so long I’ve forgotten the way back to the shore?

Chris, Nathan, Nick and Ben are my support. And I love those guys. I did not fail to tell them almost a dozen times onstage at King King the other night.

This picture found me just in time.

I love you guys!

~Brenton