thatwasthen

Today is my 28th birthday. When I turned 20 I started writing in a journal to jot down feelings, ideas, poetry. I believe had I not started writing in the journal, I would have never started thatwasthen. And now, 8 years later, I feel as though the best way for me to describe to you what thatwasthen really means is to show you what was on my mind back then.

At The Age Of 20

Ok so, a little trouble sleeping. Well not really. I can’t seem to tear myself away from the computer. I keep looking up people I know, or my hometown, trying to find my old friends’ thoughts. From what I’ve found, I don’t think my journal will add up. I was gonna be so literal about everything but now I am thinking I should just share the thoughts I would normally never share. THAT’S what makes a good journal. (Now I’m getting all meta-journalistic).

I rolled down the windows today, driving up to Los Angeles. The air was cool, not like most days in California. Living near the beach, the temperature immediately reminded me of when I used to stroll along the beach on summer nights, trying to create instances that I’d hope to remember forever. Kisses, conversations, just the overwhelming feeling of the beauty of the night, propelling you to do things you wouldn’t normally do. I’ve still got many memories. But now, about to hit 20, I find myself realizing that those days are gone. This is not meant to put down the people who are experiencing those days now, I am not some hoity-toity supremist who thinks that since they graduated high school that they’ve gained entrance into the 3rd circle of heaven, but I’ll miss those days of carelessness and triviality. I’m getting ready to support myself and take a plunge into the “dangerous and scary” world. And it’s exciting and absolutely fear-provoking.

Anyhoo, sometimes I wonder what it’d be like to kinda go back and re-live the moments you didn’t get to experience back then. WithOUT having to pay the consequences of course. I mean what would it have been like if I’d centered my life around being popular? Or doing drugs? Or having unprotected sex? Or choosing a violent life or playing sports? Where would my life be? I mean there were many times when I wanted to throw that egg at that kid’s house, or kiss that girl when I knew I shouldn’t have. Or give in to the temptations of cheating or lying. I was a pretty straight kid in high school, I didn’t fuck around. But I can’t seem to shake the feeling that it would’ve been fun to do some of those things. It’s that feeling that you get, those butterflies that flap in the wind of danger and apprehensiveness. The feeling of immortality you have when you’re 12 and you know nothing will go wrong. It’s got to be great. It WAS great.

(thatwasthen)

I love you all so much.