THISwasthen

I recently came across a journal I’d been writing in for 5 or so years during college and after. My first instinct was to reject all of it and move on, as many do when they stumble across things from the past. But I went the opposite way and decided ‘thatwasthen’ .

I wrote this entry a few weeks before Nathan and I played our first show at the Stone on Hollywood in November 2005. In a few months, this entry will only be 4 years old but it feels like ages ago. (An aside: please excuse all the gruesome images. Imagery was important to me.)

thiswasthen:

——————

11-02-2005  2:18 a.m.

a man to listen

i’ve figured meaning into how we came to be
how you and me were we
why i kept you near me

ive sorted all the details out between
the whos and whats
the whys and wheres
the what the hell ever fors
why im closing doors

you taught me how to cut until i felt
to wrap my neck up in a belt
manipulate with grief and guilt

you’re changing all the details from that day
the time and place
the look on my face
the place where you were sitting
there’s details that you’re missing

well cut me
and i’ll bleed
i think that’s just what we both need
you shine
like a knife
i think that’s what i’ll do with my life

i took what little you had going
without you ever even knowing
cut my wrists to make you smile
and got an inch for every mile

well cut me
and i’ll bleed
i think that’s just what we both need
to open
my vein
do you think that would stop your pain?

should all the world’s resources
pause for all this girl’s remorses?
should i let her keep the joker
while she plays our game of poker?